(Source: fuckyeahsharks)
bummer-dude asked: My little BryWat, you are such a beautiful girl. I know things are tough because of our schedules and that we live kinda far away, but I think you are just such a cool person and I really wish we were close. I don't have a lot of friends but I wish you were one of the few I have. You're just beautiful.
why did i just now get this :( i want to see you <3
I just kind of wanted to… talk about whatever, and vent, and really just let all my stress out via blogging haha because that’s just how I work.
Appreciation doesn’t come often, it isn’t handed out, it is not a common occurrence. Most take whatever it is for granted and appreciate it after it is gone. Then they want to be all over it.
Expectation is a problem. Someone you love or care for now expects you to do a very generous and loving act, all the time. When you get fed up, or you stop hearing thank you’s and start getting bitch-fits, you just want to stop. Because what is the point if they’re just going to be an asshole about you doing something nice for them?
Moving on.
LACK OF CHANGE, is another thing that I hate. I can only do the same routine for so long. I can only deal with the same bullshit, from the same people, in the same place, for so fucking long. How can you expect to get where you want, if you are doing the same thing stuck in the same spot? You’re doing the same shit, expecting different results and then getting mad over it. Change something, work it out, improve yourself, get inspired, write out what bugs you on your tumblr haha.
I like talking, even though I’m really bad at telling stories, and wording things, and staying on point. My mind is always a mess. I kind of enjoy it though. At least I used to, when I actually challenged the energy into something.
Growing up doesn’t mean you have to give up the things you love. And I think I got that mixed up from my homelife as a child. My parents were always stressed, always worried about money. That’s how I came to be when I got a job. Being stressed is bullshit, can I just relax and enjoy being 18 for the next two months? I wish I didn’t have to worry about moving out. I wish I didn’t have to worry about paying for my own food, and phone bill, and electricity, and water, and garbage, and toilet paper, and every fucking thing else that a human needs to survive.
But because of how things panned out, and I can’t change the environment I’m in, I have the change the environment around me.. So I can be happy. Change what you can, improve what is in your control, so you can be happy. Don’t try and force things that you know will never happen. It is what it is.
I just became everything I said I wouldnt this past year, and it’s torn me apart. I’m a hypocrite, I complain about things and I don’t lift a god damn finger in an effort to change it. But being the person I am, and not being able to adapt to routine comfortably, I’ve finally reached a point where I can whole-heartedly say, fuck this, I want more, I want better, I want spontaneity, I WANT myself back, to be honest.
anyway I talk too much, bye.
And as of late, I still have the hardest time grasping various concepts that piece my life together. I’m pretty sure it’s always been in my subconscious mind, but those kinds of thoughts never stay hidden for long. Some things that you don’t want to confront work their way to the surface and confront YOU.
So in your head you’re like, “God damn it.”
Anyways. As of late, I’ve been working at a collection agency as a receptionist for the past (almost) 3 months. I’ve wasted every check and then after the fact, bitched about being broke.
So let’s backtrack to my opening statement about subconscious thoughts and when they creep up on you; this is one of those thoughts, bitching about being broke after being very aware that I was wasting my money. I feel like that is a trait my mom has, and I shudder at the thought of being like her, but of course, that’s another thing in the back of my head that I know has some truth.
Moving on.
I also have a boyfriend, which I want to say is successful so far.
I’m just not an easy person to be with.
When I’m upset or mad or sad or whatever, I don’t like being touched, I don’t like being talked to, and if I start talking it’s best to just not say anything, or agree with everything I’m ranting about. Everyone usually obliges when I get like that and just leave me alone, but he doesn’t. And that kind of shocked me at first, I didn’t know if I wanted to be more upset that he didn’t do what everyone else does, or if I like that about him. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s comforting at the same time to know that you have someone who wont just shut up when you tell them to because you’re pissed off. He’s gentle about it, and kind of tugs at the problem and wants to solve it. That I’m not used to.
Anyways. I work, I hang out with my boyfriend, I plan my future.
I want to see my friends more and meet new ones, and find a little studio to live in.
I’m trying to shed old ways and become someone better. I know right now it’s not the highest point for me, and positive thinking just seems so alien. But needs come before everything else, and working hard has gotten me this far. I just need more.
(Source: iloveyoulessthanpunk)
